Random Blog

Aimlessly wandering on my Facebook feed and seeing all the graduation pictures from last week made me feel, for the nth time, anxious of what lies ahead of me.  A part of me wants to push myself to my limits, and the other wants to literally give up without even trying. Because of this, my late-night fantasies may either be me becoming the best version of myself, or me just laying in a hospital bed, taking my last breath and closing my eyes for the last time. (I might make a separate post on my thoughts about death)  So in every picture of a graduate, I end up criticizing myself more. I know I always make other people's success stories into a leather belt to beat myself with. I am not sure what motivates me to think like this. Is it anger? Is it jealousy? I have no idea why my thinking goes like this because a part of me thinks that it's unnecessary. Although the other, stronger part of myself discourages me to do anything about it and I end up contemplating if anything

As days and months have passed, I've discovered a lot of things about myself based on observing how I react even to the simplest of life events. I realized that my default reaction towards things is fear . I came to recollect what makes me feel this way, but what hit me is the fact that it's the first feeling I get from almost everything I do. For family-related events, I have the fear of being wrong and being reprimanded even in the simplest of things. This is what keeps me from waking late during my obligatory visits to church and when I do something wrong. Mostly I feel incredibly stupid when I couldn't get a simple task done, and my ego shrinks to minuscule for some time.   For the academe, like most students, I have the fear of failure and incompetence.  Another thing is that the pressure of graduating on time is enough to make me feel like I'll be ridiculed for being delayed (i.e. exceeding the supposed 4 years to finish my course), even though