Sunday, January 15, 2017

Week 2 + a drawing!!

I didn't have much time to take photographs this week because I had to tend to some errands. I did try taking my camera with me for a few days but I'm still too shy to take pictures in public places such as in busy streets.

Near my dorm, however, I had the opportunity to take pictures of my favorite bird that likes to hang out by the grills on the windows. This is an Olive-Backed Sunbird.

Olive backed sunbird

I also tried to take pictures of car lights at night with long exposure, but I didn't like the outcome as much as I should. I feel like I need a tripod or something. I'll save up for a cheap one some other time.

On another note, I tried drawing again because I'm fangirling over the anime Haikyuu!! and I am so deeply in love with Oikawa (and a lot of other boys)
Oikawa Tooru from Haikyuu!!
This is what I imagine him to look like after Aoba Johsai's loss to Karasuno in the second season. I love youuuu <3

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Photos of the Week & Week 1

I'm setting a goal for myself to keep this blog alive and running. I've decided to post a "photo(s) of the week" on every following Sunday, so on this post I'll be starting on Week 1 because I would have to be reviewing all photos I took from Sunday-Saturday of the previous week before the next Sunday when I finally choose which one/s to post. (I have no idea if I explained that correctly lol)

This is also to push myself into taking pictures, since classes are coming up again and I might not be able to touch my camera :( 

So anyway, here are some of Week 1's photos!!!!1
Click to enlarge
 Pictured above is a leaf (obviously) found just in front of our home. I didn't bother identifying it (so much regret but yeah). I held the leaf to stabilize it because it was really windy. the sunlight had a nice effect as you can see through the veins and veinlets. Surprisingly, this was detailed enough that you can see the sophisticated reticulation of the veins.
I sharpened the photo a little because it was somewhat blurry and also to further enhance the details.
Click to enlarge
On that same afternoon, I took a fast snap of this cocoon (to which I also choose to not identify). It's not focused properly, but I personally like how this turned up. I didn't bother enhancing this one through post-processing because I like it as it is.

Click to enlarge
I'm posting this one again just to compile all the photos in a post. I took this around 6pm yesterday, seizing the opportunity of an almost cloudless sky. Unfortunately, the stars aren't as sharp maybe because of the star trails because my exposure time almost took half a minute. I personally also like how the trees gave a forest-like effect because of the difference in their distances. The light reflected from the leaves on the trees in the foreground is from a spotlight in front of our house. I didn't bother a different angle because I liked how this turned out.

Hopefully I could finish all 52 weeks with at least one photo per week.. :( 

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Starting a New Hobby

I found a new hobby!!!1 lol

Click to view.
I got a camera recently and and I'm starting out with photography. I'm still not good at it yet, but I'm trying. I may post some pictures here (or maybe not, it depends)

Wednesday, January 4, 2017


Recently, I've been visiting a psychiatrist in a hospital near my uni. I went there because I thought continuously crying for about twice a day and three times a week for 3 months wasn't normal anymore. I guess I was right. I was told I have "severe" depression, and thankfully without psychotic symptoms (yet).

I was prescribed some medicine, specifically escitalopram oxalate for the depression and anxiety, and clonazepam to calm me down during panic attacks. 

The struggle wasn't only for the inconsistent lows I've been experiencing, but it was mostly the fact that a lot of people think I'm just making up the things I feel, which is very very hurtful in all aspects. It makes me look like a liar, a drama queen, and a needy person. 

I have given up trying to explain to some people that the feelings I experience aren't made up. I have given up trying to explain what I feel, especially when I know the person I'm talking to seems doubtful about what I'm saying.

When people say to me, "Others have it worse! You should be thankful that..." I know. I'm thankful. But pain is relative and I am allowed to feel the pain I'm feeling. Don't make it invalid. 

I may have a lot of things that the average person doesn't, but there are still things I lack despite living a "nice" life. What bothers me isn't the physical world anymore. 

What bothers me would be the contradictory principles of people, their morals, their hidden agendas. I can never understand this world. I can never understand humans. Also, I hated my body and my own mind for a long time and I'm wishing that in a parallel universe, I wouldn't be suffering internally as I do now. 

Maybe, just maybe, in a parallel universe, exists a perfect life. 

Sunday, July 3, 2016

The Pessimist Answers

Maybe I'm being too ambitious, and maybe I'm being delusional. 

I'm not in the right position to say that I could be a great person, and maybe I never will. I know that the only thing I've been doing is underachieving. No one deserves me in the sense that I keep on failing everyone and I'm better left alone to rot in my little corner. I won't be as good as anyone and I'll probably die with this in mind. 

I am a failure and I will then likely die a failure, as I keep on falling short of my own expectations, then what would become of me in the future? I have no face to show to the people who look up to me, if there are any of them left. 

Maybe I'll just die as a nobody, then at least I won't push myself too hard to hurt myself even more.

Friday, July 1, 2016

The Optimist Speaks Up

This post will be headed by the optimistic, motivated part of myself and I will leave her be. Whatever comes out of this post may be disclaimed by the pessimist side of me in due time. I will still be liable to whatever I say here and it can be used against me in the future.

"You can try," I whisper to myself as I browse through the website of the NMAT, the National Medical Admission Test, that is the sole ticket to entering Philippine medical schools in the country.

Again, the bouts of sudden inspiration sprang up momentarily and I enjoy the moment by basking in the wonderful possibilities of seeing myself as a great person with a lot to offer in the world.

I stop for a moment. "What if I fail the test?" Well, as far as my Google research knows, I could retake the test, but I could also continue with my plan to get that master's degree in Marine Science.

Whichever comes first, I don't think there's any harm in trying. It would be nice to take the risk and cherish the adrenaline rush while I still have it.

They say studying medicine is a calling. She's ringing the phone again and she's waiting for me to answer.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

The Struggles in Dreams

Aimlessly wandering on my Facebook feed and seeing all the graduation pictures from last week made me feel, for the nth time, anxious of what lies ahead of me. 

A part of me wants to push myself to my limits, and the other wants to literally give up without even trying. Because of this, my late-night fantasies may either be me becoming the best version of myself, or me just laying in a hospital bed, taking my last breath and closing my eyes for the last time. (I might make a separate post on my thoughts about death) 

So in every picture of a graduate, I end up criticizing myself more. I know I always make other people's success stories into a leather belt to beat myself with. I am not sure what motivates me to think like this. Is it anger? Is it jealousy? I have no idea why my thinking goes like this because a part of me thinks that it's unnecessary. Although the other, stronger part of myself discourages me to do anything about it and I end up contemplating if anything I do will be worth it anymore. 

The other optimistic part of me, however, manages to lighten me up by making me daydream about myself as the person I want to become in the future. Then the pessimistic part of me would take over all of a sudden (usually at night) when I'm at my most vulnerable state. As it usually couples with the silence of night time which I usually enjoy, the end result is always a melodramatic show that concludes in a tear or two, with a deep and heavy sigh. 

With two contrasting opinions of myself, I am stuck in a body who sometimes wants to live my life to the fullest, or would prefer to have my soul lurking endlessly in a black void of nothingness.