Living in Fear

As days and months have passed, I've discovered a lot of things about myself based on observing how I react even to the simplest of life events.

I realized that my default reaction towards things is fear.

I came to recollect what makes me feel this way, but what hit me is the fact that it's the first feeling I get from almost everything I do.

For family-related events, I have the fear of being wrong and being reprimanded even in the simplest of things. This is what keeps me from waking late during my obligatory visits to church and when I do something wrong. Mostly I feel incredibly stupid when I couldn't get a simple task done, and my ego shrinks to minuscule for some time.  

For the academe, like most students, I have the fear of failure and incompetence. 

Another thing is that the pressure of graduating on time is enough to make me feel like I'll be ridiculed for being delayed (i.e. exceeding the supposed 4 years to finish my course), even though I know that I have valid reasons as to why I'm unable to graduate within four years, I always have this part of me that says, "you could have been on time like the rest." The internal pressure I have on myself is hurting me more than anything else. For the record, I pretend that I am perfectly fine with this and I joke about my delayed graduation like it's something incredibly light. In reality, I am honestly really hurt and I blame myself in each and every day that passes by. "I could have done something to prevent this," is always how I try to argue with myself.

My college life consists of a lot of self-loathing in hopes of success.

When it comes to my social life, I am indifferent most of the time because I am too busy criticizing myself and I have no time to evaluate my relationships with other people. So far, I guess my friends and partner seem to be okay with me as I am with them, which I think is a good sign.

I think the fear I get is from the stress I've been having due to pressure as I expect a great deal from myself. I'm unaware if this stems from the fact that I feel like I have to cope up with the people around me who seem to be excelling in their lives. Maybe I'm too young to think about this now, or maybe I'm too old to realize that I have failed myself long ago.