The Struggles in Dreams

Aimlessly wandering on my Facebook feed and seeing all the graduation pictures from last week made me feel, for the nth time, anxious of what lies ahead of me. 

A part of me wants to push myself to my limits, and the other wants to literally give up without even trying. Because of this, my late-night fantasies may either be me becoming the best version of myself, or me just laying in a hospital bed, taking my last breath and closing my eyes for the last time. (I might make a separate post on my thoughts about death) 

So in every picture of a graduate, I end up criticizing myself more. I know I always make other people's success stories into a leather belt to beat myself with. I am not sure what motivates me to think like this. Is it anger? Is it jealousy? I have no idea why my thinking goes like this because a part of me thinks that it's unnecessary. Although the other, stronger part of myself discourages me to do anything about it and I end up contemplating if anything I do will be worth it anymore. 

The other optimistic part of me, however, manages to lighten me up by making me daydream about myself as the person I want to become in the future. Then the pessimistic part of me would take over all of a sudden (usually at night) when I'm at my most vulnerable state. As it usually couples with the silence of night time which I usually enjoy, the end result is always a melodramatic show that concludes in a tear or two, with a deep and heavy sigh. 

With two contrasting opinions of myself, I am stuck in a body who sometimes wants to live my life to the fullest, or would prefer to have my soul lurking endlessly in a black void of nothingness.