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 For some reason, I wanted to check back on this blog that I pretty much abandoned. I did say in my previous post that I planned to make an update.. and here it is. My LO turned 1 a few weeks ago and I'm about to turn 24 next week. The pandemic really affected our family since my mother-in-law died due to complications from COVID. She passed away last August. It's been a while already but the disbelief is still there. I also contracted COVID, but only the less harmful symptoms like loss of taste and smell, and nasal congestion. It was really weird having no sense of smell, I could pretty much mistake vinegar for water. Eating was also a bit difficult since I couldn't taste anything at all. I regained my taste and smell about after a month. Fast forward to the present, thankfully, several vaccines exist, I just hope we get to have it soon. The current political situation in the country is making it hard to acquire it at the moment but let's just hope for the best. For ot...

Well, it's been a while again since I wrote on this blog. Here are some updates since my last post: 2018 - I graduated from university. Finally. It took me a year longer to graduate than most people (it took me 5 years instead of 4) due to taking a semester off. In those 5 long years, I battled and conquered depression, made friends, doubted but eventually finished my program, and graduated with just a few regrets. I graduated with a BS degree in Biology. I'm not sure if I already made a post about it yet, but I hesitated to continue the program because I wanted to take Fine Arts since I got into uni. It took me a few semesters of contemplating before committing to my course. I did enjoy my majors despite almost flunking my math and physics courses. I also enjoyed my laboratory courses. I did say that I graduated with just a few  regrets. I admit that I wasn't the best in time management during undergrad and crammed a lot. I regret not doing better in some subject...

I didn't have much time to take photographs this week because I had to tend to some errands. I did try taking my camera with me for a few days but I'm still too shy to take pictures in public places such as in busy streets. Near my dorm, however, I had the opportunity to take pictures of my favorite bird that likes to hang out by the grills on the windows. This is an Olive-Backed Sunbird. Olive backed sunbird I also tried to take pictures of car lights at night with long exposure, but I didn't like the outcome as much as I should. I feel like I need a tripod or something. I'll save up for a cheap one some other time. ** On another note, I tried drawing again because I'm fangirling over the anime Haikyuu!! and I am so deeply in love with Oikawa (and a lot of other boys) Oikawa Tooru from Haikyuu!! This is what I imagine him to look like after Aoba Johsai's loss to Karasuno in the second season. I love youuuu <3

I'm setting a goal for myself to keep this blog alive and running. I've decided to post a "photo(s) of the week" on every following Sunday, so on this post I'll be starting on Week 1 because I would have to be reviewing all photos I took from Sunday-Saturday of the previous week before the next Sunday when I finally choose which one/s to post. (I have no idea if I explained that correctly lol) This is also to push myself into taking pictures, since classes are coming up again and I might not be able to touch my camera :(  So anyway, here are some of Week 1's photos!!!!1 Click to enlarge  Pictured above is a leaf (obviously) found just in front of our home. I didn't bother identifying it (so much regret but yeah). I held the leaf to stabilize it because it was really windy. the sunlight had a nice effect as you can see through the veins and veinlets. Surprisingly, this was detailed enough that you can see the sophisticated reticulation of the ve...

I found a new hobby!!!1 lol Click to view. I got a camera recently and and I'm starting out with photography. I'm still not good at it yet, but I'm trying. I may post some pictures here (or maybe not, it depends)

Recently, I've been visiting a psychiatrist in a hospital near my uni. I went there because I thought continuously crying for about twice a day and three times a week for 3 months wasn't normal anymore. I guess I was right. I was told I have "severe" depression, and thankfully without psychotic symptoms (yet). I was prescribed some medicine, specifically escitalopram oxalate for the depression and anxiety, and clonazepam to calm me down during panic attacks.  The struggle wasn't only for the inconsistent lows I've been experiencing, but it was mostly the fact that a lot of people think I'm just making up the things I feel, which is very very  hurtful in all aspects. It makes me look like a liar, a drama queen, and a needy person.  I have given up trying to explain to some people that the feelings I experience aren't made up. I have given up trying to explain what I feel, especially when I know the person I'm talking to seems doubtful a...

Maybe I'm being too ambitious, and maybe I'm being delusional.  I'm not in the right position to say that I could be a great person, and maybe I never will. I know that the only thing I've been doing is underachieving. No one deserves me in the sense that I keep on failing everyone and I'm better left alone to rot in my little corner. I won't be as good as anyone and I'll probably die with this in mind.  I am a failure and I will then likely die a failure, as I keep on falling short of my own expectations, then what would become of me in the future? I have no face to show to the people who look up to me, if there are any of them left.  Maybe I'll just die as a nobody, then at least I won't push myself too hard to hurt myself even more.

This post will be headed by the optimistic, motivated part of myself and I will leave her be. Whatever comes out of this post may be disclaimed by the pessimist side of me in due time. I will still be liable to whatever I say here and it can be used against me in the future. "You can try," I whisper to myself as I browse through the website of the NMAT, the National Medical Admission Test, that is the sole ticket to entering Philippine medical schools in the country. Again, the bouts of sudden inspiration sprang up momentarily and I enjoy the moment by basking in the wonderful possibilities of seeing myself as a great person with a lot to offer in the world. I stop for a moment. "What if I fail the test?" Well, as far as my Google research knows, I could retake the test, but I could also continue with my plan to get that master's degree in Marine Science. Whichever comes first, I don't think there's any harm in trying. It would be nice t...

Aimlessly wandering on my Facebook feed and seeing all the graduation pictures from last week made me feel, for the nth time, anxious of what lies ahead of me.  A part of me wants to push myself to my limits, and the other wants to literally give up without even trying. Because of this, my late-night fantasies may either be me becoming the best version of myself, or me just laying in a hospital bed, taking my last breath and closing my eyes for the last time. (I might make a separate post on my thoughts about death)  So in every picture of a graduate, I end up criticizing myself more. I know I always make other people's success stories into a leather belt to beat myself with. I am not sure what motivates me to think like this. Is it anger? Is it jealousy? I have no idea why my thinking goes like this because a part of me thinks that it's unnecessary. Although the other, stronger part of myself discourages me to do anything about it and I end up contemplating if anythin...

As days and months have passed, I've discovered a lot of things about myself based on observing how I react even to the simplest of life events. I realized that my default reaction towards things is fear . I came to recollect what makes me feel this way, but what hit me is the fact that it's the first feeling I get from almost everything I do. For family-related events, I have the fear of being wrong and being reprimanded even in the simplest of things. This is what keeps me from waking late during my obligatory visits to church and when I do something wrong. Mostly I feel incredibly stupid when I couldn't get a simple task done, and my ego shrinks to minuscule for some time.   For the academe, like most students, I have the fear of failure and incompetence.  Another thing is that the pressure of graduating on time is enough to make me feel like I'll be ridiculed for being delayed (i.e. exceeding the supposed 4 years to finish my course), even though ...

.. Why I'm not pursuing medicine despite my course being Biology. Medicine is a calling. I am not as self-less as I thought, and my confidence level barely reaches average. I am afraid of losing my patients, of failing the expectations of the family members in case of a dying loved one. The trauma can severely affect me as much as it would for the family. I am prone to depression myself, how could I possibly treat others if I could not take care of my mental being? etc. etc. Maybe some could say I am good enough to push through, but at the back of my mind, I know what I cannot do. But knowing myself, maybe it is but a lazy excuse to not enter the war zone such as med school. To tell you the truth, I know very little about the world of medicine. I barely know what the process of becoming a doctor really is. So, I am backing out on my plans of becoming a doctor. Although maybe at later on, at some point in life,  I would think of myself as a neurosurgeon for the sake of ...

Since I've entered uni, I have lost my usual drive to study and recently, my attention is divided among the subjects I am currently taking. It bothers me because this was not how I was back in high school. If I say that this is because of college alone, is that a plausible excuse for my gradual academic negligence? I am currently in my third year of taking up biology, but I'm already delayed for a year or so because I took non-major subjects during half of my second year because I was supposed to shift to fine arts, and I also took a leave for a semester during my freshman days. I have no problem so far with me staying a little longer in uni, and I am so far enjoying my stay as I get to know a lot of people, whether it be younger students or professors. Notice that I omitted older students, since I, myself, am a senior already (and I don't really know much older students). I had a job in a department and I could say I know a lot of the professors in my college, but...

I want to draw a screaming soul, paint it white and make it lack the things it wants to have I want to draw a crying soul, paint it blue and make it embrace the things it was never meant to have I want to draw a laughing soul, paint it black and make it have the things that others lack I want to draw an angry soul, paint it red and make it mad at the things that others have I want to draw the souls together  into a single entity that would love itself for what is lacks, and what it will never have. _______ I'm not sure how that went, but that's what I feel right now. I'm so torn between being the best, even though I know that I'm not the right position to even want that. Why can't I just accept defeat?

This is a short (insert kind of prose here) I made a week ago (March 13), while experiencing a sudden gush of emotions. My motivation is jealousy. What drives me is selfishness.   I am aware that what brings me up will eventually pull me down, but as long as I’m going somewhere, I’m okay with that.   The truth is sad, yet, the truth will set me free; What is free is kept in a dark void inside of me.   It no longer exists.   My mind is a paradox, so are my thoughts and my fe elings.   Someone’s achievements are my failures, Someone’s failures are my achievements.   I hate people because of what they can do, I hate myself because I can, yet choose not to.   What I want does not completely make sense to me.   I want everything. I couldn't provide an explanation, because there isn't any. 

What a stupid title. ___ I'm usually the fighting type.. you know, the kind of aggressiveness that an enraged dog has. I wasn't raised to be like that.. it was my choice to become one. Whenever I don't get what I want, I don't give up easily; I would try to get it by all means necessary. But for now, I will concede defeat, and all I have to do for the meantime is to be still for a while until the universe finally listens to me.

As I lie on my bed waiting for time to speed up and my sleeping pill to be on effect, I drown myself in PC games and internet while I still can. I am stressed but I'm not, I'm scared but I'm not, I'm angry but I'm not. I don't understand why I feel like I don't know how to feel the moment. Well, I feel the moment, but worry about the future. I think of the future at the moment. It's stupid and it's really annoying. For now, I'll be optimistic whatever happens. I believe things could be better. Happiness for now is the best illusion I could project.

We are who we aren't. There's always more than meets the eye. In fact, it could even be less than what we think it already is. We always expect to be able to read everything from just using what we see as the sole basis for making conclusions. We always want to believe in something that could be wrong. We always want to feel right by manipulating the world. It's funny, how we reluctantly smile at strangers we come across daily, how we say sorry even though the other is at fault, how we make impulsive decisions that hinder long-term goals, how we don't hesitate to deny others' requests, how we let ourselves be obedient even to the silliest of laws. It's also funny how the human mind has an optimistic side where our subconsciousness runs to when it needs to feel safe. It's where the mind drowns itself with all these happy thoughts that aren't always true. *** On the other hand, what we are inside is never fully revealed, needless to say. It'...

In Manila, most of my friends and close friends in general were girls. When we were in high school, we would usually hang out in the tree houses we have at our school until the first class starts. Every lunch, my group of friends consisting of a dozen girls would squeeze into a table fit for eight. We would talk about our funny moments or even some embarrassing ones that we don't usually share with everyone else. We would laugh together and even throw some crumbs of food at each other when we end up being too crazy. We would eat each other's food, with or without the other's consent.  Everything was fun, maybe except for the drama that came along with our tight bond. I, myself, was doubting the very core of our friendship. But hey, we've been close and there's nothing I can do about that now.  At certain times I would cry myself to sleep because of that doubt that turned into true deception. It's unlikely for me to cry because of petty things, ...

dis·tance /ˈdistəns/ An amount of space between two things or people. The amount of time for communication and how far two people are from one another actually matter. For the record, not every "absence" makes the heart grow fonder. It's usually the opposite. Only a few things are worth the wait. 

Click to enlarge Late upload lol